the biggest mistake i ever made

I actually thought it was us against the world;
I even joked that maybe we were winning.
But caring about you was, by far,
the biggest mistake I ever made.
And I’d cry about it again,
but you just aren’t worth the effort anymore.

Just thinking about you,
and my naive dreams for a life with you,
makes me want to go to sleep because
I don’t want to be awake anymore.
It would be easier if I weren’t real;
it would be easier to stomach
if you weren’t real either.
Why don’t you go on and add that
to the list of things you wouldn’t be without me.

By the way, and I hate to spoil the ending,
but everything is going to be okay,
for me at least.

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her fear of flying

She said she had a Fear of Flying.
But she wasn’t afraid of the trip;
she was afraid of the destination.

You thought you knew what she wanted,
but you can’t understand.
Even with the waves of feminism
you still can’t cure a deep seated
Electra Complex.
Every girl has Daddy issues;
get over it.

So why should I care about me
anymore than anyone else?
It’s still a world where
one person is always doing the taking
while the other is always doing the giving.
And we allow ourselves
to be held in place by mere paper chains.
Or maybe that was just me.
And what did it buy me?
Not every story gets to have a happy ending.

I met someone like me once,
but she gave her whole self away;
I don’t want to be like that.

in my head

I spend my life in my own head,
what’s so wrong with that?
Existentialism is as good a religion
as anything else.
Having to be present in your own life
is the worst part about existing.

Only loosely hanging onto reality,
I could let go at any time.
But heroes don’t die like that;
isn’t that what I’ve always said?

All at once these thoughts,
emotions, dreams, memories,
flood over me like an ocean tide
reclaiming a beach.
Maybe that’s how heroes die;
I always wondered.

How can you say my thoughts are tiny,
when you’ve never seen them for yourself?
The grand scheme of things
only matters to people who
believe in that sort of shit.
I don’t.

My life is my own
and I have every right
to care how it turns out,
how my story ends.
The final act remains to be seen,
but I know that you won’t be in it.

surviving life

Stop telling me I’m not perfect;
I can assure you, I already know.
But I’m too stubborn to fail,
making each day more exhausting
than the last.
Can’t keep it up forever.

“Are you sure?”
Am I sure that I’m crazy
or am I sure that I’m tired
of pretending I’m not?
“Everything works out for the best.”

Fuck you and your faith;
what good does it do me?
You pray to a god
that obviously doesn’t give a damn.
Does it make life
feel less shitty somehow?
Sorry Pascal,
but you can’t fabricate faith
no matter how hard you try.
So stop telling me I’m wrong.
I can survive a life without meaning,
can you?

Somedays its just easier
to laugh instead of cry.
Whatever makes everybody else
more comfortable.

no regrets

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently; existential bullshit as my father calls it. My thoughts range from what’s the point, to what’s next, to why I am the way I am, to what I should or shouldn’t do with respect to all sorts of things.

My wandering thoughts all come about to the same conclusion: it’s my life, and it won’t last forever, better enjoy it while I can. What I always hear is that when older people think back on their lives the only things they usually regret are the things they didn’t do. I’m not going to be like that.

I *may* have recently made a rather overt pass at a man I’m friends with, that I met through work, that I’m very much attracted to. He kindly turned me down and it seems like he can handle continuing to be friends. The thing is though, I don’t regret it. Maybe I should, maybe I should be embarrassed by my behaviour; but I’m not.

I’ve always thought that regret, as an emotion, is a waste of time and energy. I wouldn’t know if he was interested or not if I hadn’t tried. Now I know and I can move on. It beats harbouring a middle-school-esque crush on him and never being sure what would happen. So, for my part, I regret very little in my life thus far and intend to continue that trend.

Even the stuff that doesn’t end well, I still learn something and I’m never left wondering. For what it’s worth, I’ve enjoyed every crazy thing I’ve done, every unique experience, and every surprise ending!

The day my Great Aunt Mary died, she played bridge with friends at brunch and had planned a cocktail party for later that evening. She went in for a procedure in the afternoon and died. I mean sure it’s sad, but I promise you that crazy, eccentric, “special water” at anytime of day drinking woman never left anything on the table and went out with no regrets!

I’m not going to leave anything on the table either. I’m going to keep zip lining through the Costa Rican cloud forest, traveling wherever I damn well feel like whenever I damn well feel like, making passes at amazing older men and hoping for the best, and eating dessert at every decent restaurant I try! Whenever I’m done with this place I’m not going to regret a thing.

a little help from my friends

It’s now been just shy of a year since I instigated the divorce between my then husband of 5+ years (8+ years in a relationship) and myself. It’s been a process in coping, learning, growing, and sometimes just existing. I’m better for the changes I’ve made in my life, but I couldn’t have made it alone.

Some of my friends offered an ear to listen when I just needed to talk. Others offered a distraction when it was tough just being in my own home. And then there were the ones who offered advice, some of which was profoundly necessary in my newly started post-divorce pursuit of happiness. I also picked up some ideas for post-divorce survival on the internet. One thing is for sure, I’m not the first person who has gone through this. Here are some of those tid-bits of genius:

  • Replace old not so good memories with good ones. So for every instance that reminds me of a shitty time in my marriage I should repeat that activity, trip, whatever, except replace the shitty parts with good stuff.

  • It’s okay that I feel a hole in my life now that my marriage has ended; it was a big part of my life for a long time. How I fill that hole is up to me. Turns out, in my estimation, that hole is where certain things used to exist: all the negativity I was living with (not mine), and all the time and effort I spent combating it and trying to figure out a way to fix my marriage. So as that leaves me, I choose to fill that hole with positive things: good friends, happy memories, volunteer work, and other activities in my life and community I can be proud of and that make me feel good.

  • Reconnect with old friends. I realized at the end of my marriage that I had put aside a lot of friendships over the years, either because I was pressured to, or because I chose to, being too embarrassed or upset to let people know how bad things were. I’ve not just reconnected with friends I’ve known as an adult either. I’ve reconnected with some of my childhood friends too. I can use as many friends as I can get after all.

  • Put myself out there. Not really in a dating kind of way, because I think it’s pretty obvious that getting into any kind if serious relationship at this point is a terrible idea. Rather, though, meet new people, do new things, go new places. Basically experience a life I never would have experienced on my previous trajectory. So I’m trying to do that. It’s a process. Here are just a couple examples: I’ve started spending a lot more time with children, which wasn’t really an option before. While I may not want my own kids, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like kids nor that I don’t want to be able to influence them and be influenced by them. I’ve also started traveling a lot for work. It’s new; it’s different. I actually enjoy it most of the time. I miss my dogs while I’m away, but otherwise it’s really not a bad existence for a single woman to have.

  • Get a divorce ring. It’s a reminder that I can take care of myself. “I don’t need someone else to buy me a pretty ring, I can do it myself.” It also reminds me not to let someone else have so much control over my happiness. (I happen to love my new ring, btw.)

Here are some things I’ve still got to work on:

  • Learn to say no. I feel pretty strongly that I could have cut short my suffering from a failed marriage if I’d just said no.

  • Take better care of myself, such as exercise on the regular, lose weight, etc. Theoretically, it’ll help improve my mood, make me feel better about myself, etc. I’ll get there.

  • Take care of stuff around the house. I was actually doing really good at this (cleaning out closets, hanging art, moving the safe, fixing stuff), then my other activities started picking up. So this is a work in progress.

  • Get a new passport. Never know when I might need it. It’s easier to be free if I have the ability to be head out randomly just because I can.

  • Learn to forgive. This might take awhile. I was sad, then angry, then apathetic, then angry again. I think I’m still in the second stage of anger. After a few months it’s like he hurt me all over again when I learned of additional “wrongs” he did towards me while we were married. It’s over, it’s done, it shouldn’t matter. I’m at least doing well enough I didn’t contact him and go picking a fight with him about it. I’m happy in my life, but the thought of him severely irritates me. I think learning to forgive will also lead to learning to trust again. That also might take a bit.

Finally, there has been the ongoing internal dialogue regarding the “existential bullshit” related to this kind of major change in life. The big question I’m struggling with is “what’s my plan now?” Not that all my eggs were in my marriage basket. I still have family, friends, a career, interests, etc. But I had planned to grow old with this person and now that’s not happening. It’s also a bit of culture shock to realize that I went into this relationship almost a decade ago, in my mid-twenties, and now I’m out the other side, in my mid-thirties. What I wanted (in life, etc) before is not necessarily what I want now. I’m not actually sure what I want yet. I think about it a lot though. Also, society is even more screwed up now than it was before, but that might be a story for another day.

freefall

Spinning round and round
in freefall;
your voice echoes in my head
and your scent floats by.
I can almost see your face.
It makes me so dizzy
I might puke.

When I wished I could fly
I never thought it would hurt me.
It’s all fun and games
until your wings collapse around you,
and you plummet to the ground;
but as we already know,
heroes don’t die like that.

Waking up from the dream instead,
safe at home where I belong.
No one knows
how I felt, what I wanted.
Just like it never happened.
I think I’ll live my life
with my feet planted
firmly on the ground, thanks.
Here’s hoping you let me.